When did decisions become overwhelming? And frightening? Even paralyzing?
I have always been able to make a quick decision. I trusted myself. I trusted my instincts. I trusted that I knew what was right for me. And when I needed to research a decision, I felt comfortable taking the information and making a decision. If I found my decision was wrong, I just saw it as a need to change course.
Even in my professional life as an Occupational Therapist where my days were filled with making life-changing decisions for my patients, I could make them without hesitation and without fear. Even in the most stressful situations, I could always count on myself to be an aggressive decision maker. I was enormously proud of that.
Decisions, in a sense, were uncomplicated, straightforward and, almost, simple.
.
I can’t do this. I don’t know what to do.
But now, since becoming a mother, decisions are far less simple. They are agonizing. Even overwhelming. Sometimes even scary. Sometimes paralyzing.
Sometimes they feel like the thin line between life and death.
After my son was born, I vividly remember how anxious I was every time I had to make a decision for him. I remember thinking over and over, “I can’t do this. I don’t know what to do”. It felt so overwhelming, so much more than I could handle. And it didn’t matter what the decision was, large or small, I would mentally and emotionally freeze. Like I was under attack.
.
.
Disappointed with myself
I felt so disappointed with myself. Before, I wouldn’t hesitate with making decisions. Now, with the most important person in my arms who needed me to be confident, I couldn’t. Even trying to research became too much. All the information I found overloaded me and I crumbled under it. And then when I finally made a decision, I still doubted it.
It was strange to be this person who couldn’t make decisions. I couldn’t understand why I felt so incapable. I couldn’t understand where my confidence had gone.
.
You will find your confidence
Mama, we have to carry so much. And all the world depends on us. And all the world expects us to step up to the plate. And to get it right. The first time. This can be enough to make us crumble at any decision. Especially decisions for these tiny humans who depend on us.
I understand. I was there. I am still there. I see my children depending on me. I see my husband depending on me. I research hours on end only to end up with no decision. And then I wind up angry at myself for wasting all that time.
Now, I can’t offer you the right answer to all the parenting stuff. But I can offer YOU something Mama. I want to let you know that, in time, you will get back your confidence. The return will be unpredictable, maybe even unnoticeable at first. It might not be the confident person you remember, but that’s okay because you’re no longer the same person. Soon, you will start to make those decisions just a little bit quicker, with a little less worry. And maybe, if you’re like me, with a little more sass. 🙂
.
With so much love,
Rose